Dear Step Mother,

When I was 12, you pissed me off and I did things that I regret. One day I got so mad at you that I snuck into your bathroom and poured melted butter into your foundation to make your face break out. I am also sorry that I poured rubbing alcohol into your contact solution. I regret these things so very much, because if I had only known that you were sleeping with my father's best friend, I would have done far worse.

*Read at The Apologies show on 4/5/07*