sometime last month, but six years ago last month, you phoned me and i didn't return your call. it was my last chance to make a difference - a difference to you.

did you feel that no one would understand? did you think that i wasn't someone you could come to with your worries or saddness or frustrations about the way your life was working out? did you phone a lot of people that month or the months before and did none of them return your call? did any of them understand?

it's frightening to think that you were left alone with your choice and no one knew what you were going through. i am so thankful for the time that you spent in my life and i wish i would have let you know that. you helped me so much as my doctor but i didn't return the favour. if i'd have returned you call it might have made a difference, i could have returned the favour, and maybe you wouldn't have made the choice you did and end your life.

i'm still sorry, six years later, and i don't know how or when i'll learn to stop being sorry for something i might not have been able to change. it's the 'might' that torments me, and it's the 'might' that keeps me sorry.